2 years and 25 pounds ago, I wanted nothing to do with fitness. I was working a shit full time job and a shit part time job on weekends, going to school at night, and sleeping about 3 hours before repeating the horrible process over again. I shopped at CVS for lunch as it was the closest store, and ate potato chips and ice cream cookie sandwiches for lunch. These were not good times.

When I came to terms with the fact that my mirror was not actually exaggerating the way I looked (hmm..this must be one of those fun-house mirror effects)I got a gym membership. The first day I hopped onto the elliptical, I also brought my fitness salvation.

Yes, I played my PSP on the elliptical, and it was the best decision I’ve ever made. I downloaded Final Fantasy IX from the PSN store, and lost a shit ton of weight. I think this method works best if you are playing an RPG, as it is easy to control.

Did I look stupid? Yep. Did I care? Nope. Seriously, take a good look at the people around you next time you are at the gym. For me, at least, I am surrounded by old men working out in jeans and women whose asses could act as a shelves. If I am uncool to them, I think I will survive.

I’ve gotten to the point now where playing the PSP on the elliptical doesn’t cut it  anymore, and am running to get a good workout. If you need to ease yourself into getting fit, and you are a big dork like me, I would definitely recommend this.

I am going to debunk some lies I constantly hear out of shape people tell themselves, and may have said myself throughout my life. Ok, I have said all of them throughout my life.

1.) Just because you once read sometime in the late 1990’s this statement in a crappy teen magazine, models do not eat a bag of potato chips as a meal. Chips do not equal a meal. You are also not a model.

2.) Pizza is not the perfect health food. Yes yes, I know what you are going to say. “It’s got grains, dairy, and vegetables in it”. First, tomatoes are a fruit. Grow to accept this. Second, you can’t justify this meal because of sauce. Please stop.

3.) Yes, nuts are good for you. Eating an entire tin of Planters is not.

4.) You do have time to go to the gym. Dr. House, Sheldon and Sookie will understand.

5.) Walking down the aisles at the supermarket, up the stairs, and to and from classes does not count as genuine exercise.

6.) Calorie information only counts if you follow the serving size. You do not have a cup size portion. You have 5 cup size portions.

7.) Just because a food says “California” on it does not mean it is healthy. And while we are on this topic, why is it that when something has lettuce and tomatoes on it, it suddenly transforms into being a Californian recipe?! California burger. California chicken wrap. California taco. California salad.

8.) Did you save anyone’s life? Rescue babies from a burning building? Stop a nuclear missile? No. You answered the phone for 8 hours. Superman deserves the splurge, not you.

9.) Buffy get’s sugared up on mocha’s. She is a slayer, with unimaginable strength, not to mention metabolism. You are not a slayer. You can barely lift the copier paper into the office. No mocha’s for you.

10.) For everyone who orders food “without the roll”, here is a secret. The roll was actually the healthiest part of your cheese steak, and your server is laughing at you for not comprehending this.

11.) NO ONE IS LOOKING AT YOU AT THE GYM. Seriously. Stop being so self conscious and let the fear of someone secretly laughing at you stop you from going. Unless you are running on the treadmill at the speed of ten, holding on for dear life, grunting out the lyrics to the song on your iPod, or “sexy walking” on the treadmill (I have witnessed all of these), no one gives a crap about you.